Laying in bed tonight I have found something serene and beautiful. He’s snoring beside me with his leg up against the back of my thing. Comfortable, insanely comfortable and irresistibly tired. He isn’t snoring loudly. It’s just enough to let you know it exsists. His body is warm and comforting. You can tell when a man is sleeping what kind of person they are by the way they hold themselves. They are unbelievably vulnerable like this, unable to be completely defensive. But he is trusting and comfortable. He is welcoming in the way his arms stretch out under his pillows. Seeing him like this reminds me of how much I love him. How much I treasure his kindness and passion. He truly is a man with a sincere heart, and I couldn’t have asked for a better man to call my husband.
Today was dreary and exhausting. We spent much of it watching tv and enjoying the company of one another. Later we found out that our window seal is cracking. This was discovered after the snow started to melt and we found a plethora of water streaming from the cracks. What a joy. Otherwise our day was unenventful and full of mental health and recuperation from a long stressful week.
On Wednesday I decided to enjoy exsistence. I didn’t do much that needed to be done, although I did clean the kitchen. I found peace in a cup of coffee and my thoughts. I’ve come to the realization that our lives are always drawn to the fast paced, “need it now”, kind of energy. And we forget to give our thoughts the time to speak. We plug ourselves in to our cell phones and keep ourselves from the silence that helps us be creative and free. While it may be late, my new years resolution is to focus more on myself and my marriage. To do this I will spend less time on the phone or computer and more time reading, having deep conversation, and being okay with silence. I hope to build relationships that are stronger and find value in how I think.
“I am unsure as to why I feel this way. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop; this feeling that sometimes surrounds me. It spews words of hate through my brain, and pain that stretches your limbs so thin; making you feel like you cannot reach a sound just place in time. I surround myself in goodness, in ecstatic voices and humorous people. But this struggle pulls at me despite. Suffocation, it is what defines me, it is what makes me; And its so hard to be lighthearted when I can’t breathe.”
And if I say that love is true and honest. If I say it is all things that make the world beautiful. I would be truthful. But in this I believe that love has its own self revealing truths. Love is sacrifice as well as receiving sacrifice from others. It requires you to hold your temper and to put their wants above your own. Unity and love only go hand in hand when these things are learned and relearned. You forget what you are as a singular being, only to remember yourself as a wholeness in which two have become one.
The sea is vast and full of wonders, Wonders of which conclude nothing about its greatness but only deepen its aura that attracts the wrath of exploration. The sea is a definite explanation for the human soul. For what we are, what we become, Children grow up with minds of their own, thoughts and desires. They learn to play and eat and sleep. They learn to run, and then they run as far as they can for as long as they can. We are told to be creatures of habit and maybe that is so. Maybe we are more habit than exploration physically. But our souls long for something more than just another day another meal. Like the sea our soul never stops moving. Those waves hit the beach with a crash and recede right back into position. Ready for the next. As the ocean we sometimes falter. But we often find ourselves right back home on our shore.
And my shore is you.